Satire: My Top 5 Statues

Updated: Jun 15, 2020



By Oliver James Pike



In recent times statue toppling has become a political statement. Whether it is a statue of Stalin brought down in Georgia, those of confederate soldiers in the American south or British imperialists in UK towns and cities, it is obviously a popular pass time for angry people. While the erasure of history without democratic discussion makes my blood boil, recent events have made me realise how much I love statues. Here are 5 of my favourite statues around the world, that definitely shouldn't be toppled.



1.Baby Fighter



Why a statue of a stark naked man beating away apparently flying babies was made is a mystery to me (and researching the actual meaning behind this is just spoiling the fun). It does however capture the existential dread of young men as they consider what ,to a wayward single 20 something, is a potentialy tortuous experience of being a father. I happen to disagree with this analysis but if indeed this man is the father to 4 superhuman bronze babies then I understand his frustration entirely (I just wished he had got dressed before taking out his anger on his unfortunate airbourne children)


2. Living Statues



Part of me becomes enraged when reminded that Kim Kardashian made her fortune from nothing more than a mediocre sex tape and a reality show so devoid of substance that it makes the aforementioned sex tape look good. However, I also applaud her ability to make so much money yet be so talentless at the same time. I feel the exact same way about the living street statues that can be found in major city centres. Some simply sit there and do a funny dance for pocket change while others enthrall hordes of mouthbreathers with their "floating on a stick magic trick" (google it and it becomes a lot less amazing). On one hand being unable to pass crowds of tourists sucked in by this nonsense is annoying. However, I applaud these statue's entrepreneurial spirit.


3. Ronaldo



I would hate to be remembered by a statue. Imagine doing something worthy of note only to have seagulls crap on your head and drunk glaswegians adorn you with traffic cones for the rest of time. I'll just stick to being mediocre (at least that is my excuse). However, In recent times sculptors have been getting lazy and the threat of an embarrassing statue being forged is more of a threat that birds and intoxicated Scots. Ronaldo suffered such treatment with a bust that must have been based on something molded by medicated toddler with a lump of playdough. It is hilarious though and should never be destroyed even if Ronaldo does turn out to be an 18th century slaver.


4. Kim jong-il



While I don't (publicly) support the North Korean regime, the statues of it's former supreme leader are some of my favorites. Beyond being straight out of bond villain's playbook and obviously over compensating for something, it is rumoured that the statues have some interesting features. Apparently they are packed with explosives and set to detonate in order to disable enemy infantry and tanks if an invasion were to occur. I think that is brilliant and is one way to avoid being toppled by future critics.


5.This one


no comment.



So there you have it. My 5 favourite statues that definitely shouldn't be removed. So what have we learnt? Statues mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. If we are to tear one down we should check that It was none's favourite and have a chat about it before getting the ropes out.