Stop Being Snobs!

Updated: Jul 8, 2020

By Oliver James Pike

A fancy Indian pale ale bar is a great place for a first date. The drinks are expensive enough for the bill to be impressive when you pay for the evening, but not so pricy as to really hurt your wallet. IPA's also have a self-regulating quality to them. I challenge anyone to drink more than four of these peculiar drinks without feeling ill or throwing up. Alternatively, a date at a normal bar runs the risk of you treating it like any regular night out and getting through enough easy to drink lager to make a fool of yourself. In short, IPA's are the safe bet for a date night. However, they are inferior to normal beer. I have noticed recently people embracing the trend of pale ale with open arms. I think they are lying when they say they like IPAs. As they turn their nose at a factory produced beer, and sip the humorously named microbrew they shudder and clench to ensure you don't see the truth, that these abominations of beverages have caused immeasurable discomfort for their victim.

These pretentious snobs have bought into nothing more than a fashion trend. They love the alternative punk image of BrewDog and this may have made sense when these drinks came directly from someone's garage but since becoming available at every major chain in the nation the punk image comes off as a cringeworthy imitation. The drinks in question are, as far as I can tell, a mixture of random flavours and ingredients blended with little or no thought. Of course, why would they need to put any thought into it? The faux punks and wannabe hipsters who frequent trendy bars will pretend to enjoy whatever they are served. As a result of their snobbery, these people are missing out on enjoyable and easy to drink factory beer.

It's not just quality beers snobs are missing out on. If you go into any coffee shop in the current year, you will be asked if you want to try "our new bean blend"? Instead of just serving a coffee, customers are asked where they want their brew to come from (Ethiopia or Peru?), how much cinnamon they want in it and if they want to add soy or some other retched form of bastardized milk.

The snobs who obsess over these details have missed the point of coffee. A real man drinks filter coffee without milk (The darker the better.) Your coffee should taste like jet fuel in order to awaken your senses for the day ahead and the only time anything should be added is if you were drinking the night before and dare to add a cap of Jack Daniels to ease the symptoms of a hangover. We in the alcoholism business call this "hair of the dog". Keep things simple. In short, there is no need for experimentation or innovation when it comes to getting your daily caffeine fix.

Snobs are also missing out on great music. They will always recommend avant-garde and esoteric bands that no one has ever heard off. Art comes before music for these bands and, while being thought-provoking, their songs are simply not entertaining. Snobs will look on disgust or call you a boomer if you even imply that you enjoy classic rock or, God forbid, country music. Neither genre is that bad. While the songs may be formulaic and simplistic, there is nothing better to listen to in the car or at a bbq. In the pursuit of alternative music to stock their Spotify playlists, snobs have missed out on a grand selection of fun enjoyable sounds.

While this might come across as an unwarranted attack on those I have labelled snobs, In reality, I want to save these people from their own self imposed misery. The next time you are tempted to spend more than £10 on a white t-shirt, watch a black and white French-language film or order anything with kale, take a deep breath, crack open a Budweiser and play some Luke Bryan at full volume! You will thank me later.