Updated: Aug 16, 2020
By Lord Wegbert Wilfred Sommerville-Hawkes OBE CBE MBE
(Part 2 of Lord Wegbert's Guide to Life)- https://www.monolith-media.net/wegbert-s-colum
In my previous serving of cultural counseling, imbued with refined class, I skillfully informed you how to wear a suit. If you have heeded my guidance you will no doubt have found members of the fairer sex showing you a tremendous deal of attention. I am aware that my fellow gentlemen find women to be a subject fraught with complexity and arcane mystery. Thusly I shall impart unto you some of my precious wisdom on the subject of women.
When it comes to love one must be cautious. It is a cruel mistress capable of breaking a heart of stone or in the case of divorce a bank account of gold. Amor vincit omnia as they say. Even a man of my stature who composes himself with all the steeliness of the British stiff upper lip motif can find himself curled up in his 100% Japanese silk sheets ,on the verge of tears, when the curse of unrequited love strikes. But equally do not dally. Fortune favours the brave. If one has spied a buxome broad, a feisty female or a lusty lady, “Carpe Diem” is the call of duty. Make your intentions clear as soon as possible but subtlety and ,as any man accustomed with military history as I am would do, plan for a graceful retreat if things turn sour.
If you are successful there are several things one must note before embarking on the first date.The modern Woman, now able to vote and clean offices as well as the home, have awoken within themselves a strong desire for independence. It is therefore crucial that on the primary date you allow them to feel in control. Allow them to peruse the wine list uninterrupted (only intervening if she foolishly fails to match the wine with the fish). Furthermore one must refrain from moving conversations in your desired direction at every twist and turn. Allow the women to prattle a bit about things they enjoy like embroidery, child-rearing or the sitcom Friends.
There are however circumstances where one, aspiring to emulate yours truly, must take control. Like a hunting dog or an unruly horse, the reigns must be tightened to maintain control. A gentleman must pay the bill. To allow contemporary practices of bill splitting to corrupt the date one risks your companion suspecting that your Monaco bank account is barren or that your FTSE 100 performance is lacklustre. This is a crucial point that must not go unheeded. After all, you know what they say about people with large diversified stock portfolios…
You must also be selective when it comes to the locus of your romantic adventure. An exclusive membership club is ideal as it proves to your companion that you have social credibility while simultaneously instilling an atmosphere of high class leasiure to proceedings. It is a great way to prove ones worth to another. “if this refined and sophisticated members club feel he is worthy then I ought to follow suit” Your date will think to herself while taking in the skilful upholstery and impressive Edwardian curtains. But I am aware that many of my beloved readers are not members of such clubs. Chiquito’s it is then.
One must also be selective when it comes to finding a partner. The Queen's English is a must. If your date speaks with a Geordie twang or god forbid is Scottish you have already erred greatly. Tattoos and piercing should also be avoided. One does not wish to date a female resembling a yakuza mobster or a circus freak.There are also several tests you can perform during the course of your date to ensure the woman before you is worth the attention of a successful and esteemed gentleman. Gently bring up politics by reminiscing about an article you saw in the Telegraph. If she remains calm and collected and offers a novel yet brief point to the discussion then you are safe to continue pursuing a romantic relationship. If however she becomes irate and begins foaming at the mouth like some Lovecraftian demon while uttering shrill exasperated argumentation about fox hunting or Tony Blair you must politely go your separate ways.
Intercourse should only follow a long period of deliberation. Think of it as a cooling-off period. If one were to buy a house, a rolls Royce or a prize racehorse you would think long and hard about your decision. The same applies to fornication. Without making any crude or unbecoming metaphors about shafts balls or holes, intercourse should be treated like a distinguished game of golf. You must ensure you are properly equipped and take your time before engaging in any pleasurable activity (there is no rush). When in doubt stay in the club house for another drink. The last thing you want is a horrible disease or an illegitimate child looking to lay claim to your estate.
So there you have it. Wegbert’s guide to women. You should now feel equipped to venture forth into the wild wastes of the romantic world, confident in your ability to woo any female one desires. Heed these words dutifully and you are certain to find success in your life of love.
In writing this excellent addition to my column series It has been brought to my attention that modern-day dating has been radically transformed. I am now aware of apps for one's mobile phone designed to attract a potential mate. I am of course unable to explore such technology as I am married (somewhat happily) and like any self-respecting wealthy man I use a blackberry.