Wegbert's Guide to Life III: Travel

Updated: Jul 26, 2020

By Lord Wegbert Wilfred Sommerville-Hawkes OBE CBE MBE

(Part 3 of Lord Wegbert's Guide to Life)

There is simply nothing better than a good holiday. While the scenic value of my estate and the grandeur of the architecture is truly breathtaking, jetting off to the far-flung reaches of what was once our glorious empire is one of the most pleasurable experiences known to man (surpassed only by extramarital liaisons with the help and what we at the clubhouse call Bullingdon dust). As with all things travel can be an area fraught with difficulty and confusion. I have, therefore, as I am accustomed to doing, taken it upon myself to impart some valuable wisdom on the matter to help novice travellers navigate the globe with ease.

Air is the mode most common for those wishing to venture beyond their borders. If your flight is any longer than 30 minutes, one ought to invest diligently and upgrade their ticket to first class. No one wishes to sit alongside petulant children and obese women with a penchant for removing their footwear to expose their pungent, gangrenous, feet. First-class will also enable you to avoid the hordes of mouth breathers who clap as their plane lands. So confused with humanity's ability to propel the unwashed masses through the sky, these people will give their pilot a standing ovation for nothing more than doing their job. In first-class you will find people who share a similar outlook on air travel as yourself and you will be pleasantly surprised that the barbaric practices of seat swapping and bringing your children on holiday do not extend the whole length of the plane.

When it comes to luggage be as scrupulous as an Etonian chancellor of the exchequer. If possible take only hand luggage and avoid the horrendous process of bag check-in. Unless one is fleeing HMRC, The IRS or an enraged spouse, a suitcase packed to the brim with clothes is wholly unnecessary. However, if you are unfortunate enough to be travelling with your wife an encounter with baggage check-in may be unavoidable as women are by nature frivolous beasts who like nothing more than dragging their expensive wardrobes on holiday. If this occurs pretend to receive an important business call and escape to the sanctuary of the lounge and order yourself a much-deserved drink leaving your woman to contend with the consequences of her foolish ways.

When boarding your plane wait until the last possible second. The plane is going nowhere thus standing in line is as futile as waiting for bread in a communist backwater. Instead remain in the lounge/ Wetherspoons and enjoy your newspaper of choice with a golden lager or an amber ale. Once the line has depleted to levels akin to a Lib Dem party conference one can waltz onto the plane as royalty, legs unwithered and superiority confirmed.

One must also dress for the occasion. Pyjamas and Tracksuits should warrant an individual being denied access to the plane yet many continue to show a lack of respect for their fellow traveller and indeed themselves. Men used to wear suits to fly. Now because young men are adamant that their clothing must be skin tight, to presumably show off their curves, suits have become a no go zone. So invest in a comfortable suit and board your plane in style. A suit will also make security easier as Terroisits rarely want to take a nice tailored outfit down with them (just some innocent children). Security staff will also avoid selecting you for the "random" search thinking that there is a slight chance you are someone important such as myself.

How should one entertain themselves on a flight? The answer is not to leave your seat at every opportunity and hassle your fellow flyers. Instead, limit your toilet visits to once every hour at most. When seated read a book or listen to music. Ensure that this book demonstrates to other flyers that you are intelligent. This means no novels written after 1992 and if possible something non-fiction (I biography of Thatcher or the history of pottery ought to be sufficient). If music is your thing then keep the volume low and wear discreet headphones. No one wants to hear the latest Ibiza club anthem blaring from a pair of oversized beats headphones. Such headwear will also make a man in a suit look like a Prat rather than the distinguished globe trotter you are. Instead, some slick in-ear headphones and some relaxing songs should accompany your in-flight drinks. Anything more exciting than "Lucky Man" by the Verve will tempt you to get up and stretch your legs and urinate more than is befitting of a man above the age of 12.

Once you arrive at your destination leave the plane in an orderly fashion. Having invested in first-class tickets all involved should wait their turn and wait for the person in front to leave first regardless of how long it takes them to remove their bags. If you were seated amongst the rabble you would likely find people pushing past each other like its Black Friday at a cash and carry. Once off the plane and having navigated the next airport you are free to holiday to your heart's content.

Keep these tips in mind when travelling and it is sure to be a pleasurable experience. Forget this crucial information and you will find yourself shaking with rage, dripping with sweat, and ruining your entire holiday. If you are planning a holiday then I wish you the best of luck and have nothing left to say but "Omnia audacter explora loca!"