Wegbert's Guide To Life IV: Sickness

Updated: Mar 8

By Lord Wegbert Wilfred Sommerville-Hawkes OBE CBE MBE

(Part 4 of Lord Wegbert's Guide to Life)

Dear reader, I have missed filling your noble minds with knowledge and advice from yours truly. However, while not expressing a shred of self-pity or a wavering of my steely upper lip, I must be transparent with my audience and make them aware of an affliction I suffered not one week ago.

I awoke. Sweat beating from my well-exfoliated brow, soaking through my Japanese silk pyjamas and gluing my trimmed hair and magnificent moustache to my now clammy skin. At first, I cursed my good friends Jim Bean and Jack Daniels but then realised that on the advice of a private doctor (whom I saw for an unrelated kidney stone problem) that I should refrain from drinking such low-quality booze. I must be actually sick!

Thankfully a cough did not accompany my bedridden state and so covid had spared me for yet another day. However, any sickness is less than ideal. As a man who writes a hugely popular column (and manages several hedge funds and has an expensive investment portfolio), I need to be in the best condition possible.

Sometimes sickness cannot be avoided for example there is no cure for a hangover other than more alcohol (which is the migraine equivalent of chemotherapy) Aegrescit medendo.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy (Lorraine Kelly). She knows what she did at my lavish summer party in 2003. However, there are many avoidable illnesses that simple changes to your habits can prevent. The coronavirus pandemic has yet to reach my glorious estate however one ought to wash their hands regardless of the pandemic. After all, no one wants their stylish and handcrafted bronze doorknobs covered in the excrement and feculence of lazy people.

The PM also suggested that some people lose some weight to help fight covid. What fantastic advice. In Japan, companies will sometimes fine employees for being too fat. This hardline approach may have something to do with Japan's history of killing Whales, but regardless in the UK, we all get squeamish when the issue of waistlines is brought up. We should make more than just statements against the Big Lobby and implement actual policies. One example I can recount from intellectual discussions at the clubhouse is a special parking space just for fat people that is a good walk away from any shop or restaurant. Not only will supermarkets be freed up for the general public and the man who collects the estate's provisions from Waitrose, but it will ensure fat people burn calories, avoid unnecessary shopping and complete their DofE award if they haven't already.

One ought to also control their vices. Too many strange massages in Thailand could result in a ghastly infection. Too many imported cigars could clog up the lungs and make you feel like a Scottish coal miner (although you won't be horrifically left-wing and be able to speak English). Too much alcohol and one could make a fool of yourself at a rugby club dinner or a business lunch thus voiding a successful deal and costing your ungrateful children's trust fund a sizeable amount. Poverty, disease and unhappiness follow a life of endless vice. Take Wegbert's advice and apply some moderation.

So there you have it my thoughts on sickness and disease. Keep you and your families safe in these uncertain times and take some time to appreciate your health. It could easily be you who tomorrow is struck down with a serious life-altering diagnosis. Then again, you could just be hungover like I was. Optima Fortuna.